Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating
by AK-47
Summary: What could be worse than being engaged by your father to some girl you've never even met?
1. Meeting Women

_With apologies for the clichéd opening (it'll get better, I swear):_

**Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating**

by AK-47

**Step 1: Meeting Women**

_No way no way no way NO WAY!_ No way in hell was he going to Tokyo! No way in hell was he going to Furinkan. And there was no way in the _universe_ he was going to any Tendo Dojo.

_Tendo._ Just thinking that name brought a cold sweat to his brow and almost removed all bowel control. He knew that he might be freaking out over nothing. It might not be _her._ There were all sorts of Tendos everywhere. It wasn't an uncommon name. But he wasn't going to take the chance.

Besides, even if it wasn't her, what if he ran into her again anyway? She was from Furinkan. Whenever something bad could happen to him, it eventually did. What if the worst thing that could happen did happen? What if she found out he was in town? What if Murphy's Law applied specifically to people named Ranma Saotome?

_If things go wrong, there's always the Jusenkyo solution._ The thought of using Jusenkyo for that end made his stomach roil in disgust, but faced with a choice between Jusenkyo and _her,_ then there was no choice at all.

He winced and tried to shake off his thoughts. This was no time for introspection. This was a time for action. _Get out there and win, Ranma,_ he thought to himself (it was actually _herself,_ but he always thought of himself as male, even when he was female).

"You're not going to take me there, pop," growled Ranma Saotome. "The only way you'll get me there is in a body bag, 'cause there ain't no way in hell I'm setting foot in there on my own. So make your move, jerkwad, and let's get this thing started."

Genma Saotome snarled at his son's declaration and charged forth. He heaved his panda's body forward and threw a meaty paw ahead of him. Ranma dodged and tossed his father smoothly, gracefully countering Genma's attack.

It was beautiful, really. Their battle, a contest between raving beast and delicate blossom, an ancient dance between warriors - it was breathtaking in its savage ferocity. Back and forth they fought, black and white panda versus red and black martial artist - Ranma in red shirt, black pants, and red fury.

Youth and enthusiasm, though, will always be defeated by age and treachery. Genma let himself be tossed over Ranma's shoulder again and pretended to be beaten. He watched Ranma arrogantly turn his back and walk away muttering something about sucking eggs and China. Genma smiled to himself, then carefully crept behind Ranma and knocked him unconscious with a stop sign liberated from the side of the street. Then he bent down to pick up his son.

Ranma felt an explosive pain behind him and started to slide into darkness. On his way down, he saw _her_ eyes flash in front of him, and he was suddenly lying face down in the middle of the street.

"Nooo," he croaked out. "Won't . . . go . . . you bastard . . ." Weakly, Ranma tried to crawl away from his attacker.

Genma frowned at this last bit of resistance. He hefted the street sign and hit Ranma on the head again, then once more to be safe. Then ten more times because he was feeling put out. After that, he picked up his son and set off for the Tendo Dojo.

* * *

"FIANCÉ!"

Soun Tendo winced at the combined outrage in the voices of his daughters. That, and his youngest was choking him with her bare hands.

"Don't . . . want . . . die . . ," he gasped out. Scowling, Akane Tendo allowed her two older sisters to pull her away (though they'd taken their time about it).

"This is a stupid idea," announced Akane testily.

"I quite agree," agreed Nabiki (she was the middle daughter).

"Father, what were you thinking?" asked Kasumi, the eldest.

"Daughters, listen to your father," whispered Soun Tendo hoarsely, trying to recapture his dignity. "My old friend Genma and I were very close when we were younger. We trained together, fought together, ate together, lived and faced the world together. We were brothers, or as close to brothers as two men could hope to be."

Bewildered at his uncharacteristic eloquence, Soun's daughters exchanged puzzled glances and sat back to listen to his words.

"After facing many hardships for our Art, Genma and I realized that it would be the greatest of crimes not to guarantee the continuation of our School," continued Soun. "We realized then that as we were united in spirit, so too could we be united in family. Daughters, it was our dream that our children would be lifelong friends as we were, and are. Please, my children. Fulfill the dreams of two old friends, and consider your father's request."

Reluctantly, Kasumi looked to her younger sisters and saw their grudging acquiescence. She sighed to herself and silently prayed for strength.

"Of course we shall honour your request, father," said Kasumi on the behalf of her sisters. "We will meet this Ranma Saotome and try to conduct a proper _omiai_ meeting."

_Whew, they bought it,_ thought Soun to himself. _Mr. 1984 Runner-up Candidate for District Alderman strikes again!_

Akane grumbled to herself at the unfairness of it all. Boys were perverts, perverts with groping hands and leering gazes. All they wanted was to get into her panties and dump her once they got bored. Well, not this girl. She had agreed to a meeting but she hadn't agreed to any marriage.

"So, Dad," began Nabiki. "What kind of guy is this Ranma?"

"Eh, wha?" said Soun, startled from his brief fantasies of political power. "What's who like?"

"Ranma, Dad," sighed Nabiki. "What sort of person is he?"

"Err, umm, he . . ," stammered Soun. Fortunately, he was saved from admitting his total ignorance on Ranma's character when a loud commotion came from the front door.

"Oh dear, could that be them?" asked Kasumi.

"Saotome, is that you?" cried Soun as he jumped up, happy to distract his daughters from their dangerous questioning. Nabiki ran after their father to see what there was to see while Kasumi and Akane decided to stay at the table and wait.

A long moment passed before they heard Nabiki's muffled shout of "Holy Shit!" from the main entrance. The thumps of running feet could be heard coming back.

"Kasumi, Akane, there's a rabid panda here!" shouted Nabiki as she came around the corner with their father. "Run for your lives!"

Akane and Kasumi got up in time to see a panda deposit something on the floor, then turn around and apparently head for the kitchen, which it had passed on the way.

"Is it hungry?" asked Kasumi.

"Never mind that, this girl's been hurt," said Akane. It was only at that moment that the others took notice of the bundle the panda had dropped. It did appear to be a young girl, badly beaten, most likely from the panda's attack on her. After all, why else would she have such bruises on her?

"Oh no, d'you think the panda saved her to eat her for later?" asked Nabiki.

"If it did, we'll show it what we can do, right, Dad?" asked Akane.

Soun was still a bit shocked at things and didn't quite hear her, but he immediately saw a stocky man in a white gi come walking towards him.

"Genma, is that you?" he asked in surprise. "Be careful, there's a rabid panda in the kitchen."

"Soun, don't worry about it, it's, uh, been taken care of," said Genma. "How's Ranma?" Not bothering to wait for an answer, Genma bent over to take a look at the unconscious girl.

"Ah, Genma, that's a girl," pointed out Soun. "That's not your son, is it?"

"My friend, there is a tragic story behind all of this. A dark and terrible tale which ends in tragedy. Oh, my dear friend, look now at a father's shame!" So saying, Genma poured the hot water from the kettle he'd taken from the kitchen onto the female Ranma.

The assembled group gasped as the girl on the living room floor inexplicably turned into a boy. Akane's gasp was loudest as she stared at Ranma's immobile form. _Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god ohmigod ohmigod._

"Know this, Soun," announced Genma. "My son has been cursed, cursed to turn into a girl by the Springs of Sorrow, by the cursed work of accursed Jusenkyo. Oh, the shame of it all!" Genma wept and beat his chest in dramatic counterpoint to his words.

"Saotome, oh Saotome, what horrors you've endured," commiserated Soun. "But as long as your son can still be a man for one of my daughters, then know that I shall not abandon our agreement. Our schools shall still be united!"

"T-Tendo, you honour me with your words. Yes, yes, our children shall be wed!"

The two friends laughed at their brilliance while Soun's daughters continued to stare at them in shock. Actually, Akane stared at a still-unconscious Ranma, whom she hadn't stopped gaping at since he'd been turned back into a boy.

"Now then, which of your daughters shall he marry, Tendo?" asked Genma, seemingly unappreciative of the unconscious body lying in front of him.

Kasumi and Nabiki were jolted out of their stupor by that question. They exchanged quick glances and nodded in agreement.

"Akane is perfect for him!" cried Kasumi as she pushed Akane forward for inspection.

"That's right, I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian, so it all balances out!" agreed Nabiki enthusiastically as she pushed Akane too.

"Wha - what?" asked Akane in amazement as she was thrown to the wolves by her sisters.

"Oooh," moaned Ranma as he regained consciousness. He slowly woke up and found himself staring into the eyes he'd never forgotten. _Oh my god._

"Ranma, what excellent timing," crowed Genma. "Meet your new fiancée, Akane Tendo of the Tendo Training Hall."

Ranma continued to stare at Akane as she stared back. Reluctantly, he broke his gaze and turned to his father.

"Pop," he said slowly, "You've outdone yourself."

"Really, boy?" beamed Genma. And here he'd been worried Ranma would fight the engagement. Nice to see that the boy appreciated what his father had arranged for him. It was also good to know Ranma liked the girl.

"Oh yeah, pop. You engaged me -"

- Here Ranma paused to take a deep breath -

"- To my EX-GIRLFRIEND!"

Gasps again resounded through the living room.

"YOU IDIOT!"


	2. Introducing Yourself

_I kind of feel bad about taking so long in writing, but you know, stuff happens. I'm just releasing this part so that people can know that yes, the story's being (slowly) worked on. [Originally written in 2004]_

_2010: Wow, it only took 6 years to finish this chapter. I'm on fire! Be thankful Avatar got me back into fanfics, my creative juices are flowing again._

**Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating**

by AK-47

**Step 2: Introducing Yourself**

Shouts and screams resounded throughout the Tendo house as Ranma tried his best to kill his father, and his father tried his best to subdue his son. The Tendos gaped at the wanton violence that had erupted in their hallway as father and son struggled for dominance.

Growing steadily more annoyed at the antics of the duo, Akane Tendo stalked into the living room, picked up the table, returned to the scene of the fight, and bludgeoned the two feuding guests into unconsciousness.

"Akane! How could you treat your fiancé like this?" asked Soun.

"He's not my fiancé, he's not my boyfriend, he's not anything except dead meat. Die, Ranma Saotome!" Akane continued bashing Ranma and his father with the table.

"Wait, stop!" Soun leapt up and grabbed the table from his daughter's hands and restrained her in his arms.

Akane struggled for a few moments, but eventually calmed down from a towering rage into a smouldering one. "Fine, I'll stop," said Akane. "I said I'll stop, let me go now."

"You're not going anywhere, Akane," said Soun. "First of all, explain this 'ex-girlfriend' business your fiancé mentioned."

"HE'S NOT MY - ! Grr, I mean, he's not my fiancé."

"But he _is_ your ex-boyfriend?" asked Nabiki.

"Maybe."

"Maybe? What does that mean? Either he is or he isn't." said Nabiki.

"Why don't you ask 'Ranma'?" replied Akane.

The Tendos turned and saw the Saotomes painfully waking up. "Ranma want release of death," groaned the fallen boy.

"Ranma?" inquired Akane.

"Ughhh," replied Ranma.

"Could you answer something for me?" Akane asked sweetly (too sweetly).

"Guhh, uhh, yeaahh?"

"Would you mind explaining why your real name is apparently 'Ranma Saotome,' when the name you gave me was SHIGEKI SATO!"

"Umm, oops?" said Ranma.

"DIE, YOU LYING SACK OF PUBIC LICE!" Akane stepped forward to throttle her ex but was stopped by her father's hold. "Let me go, Dad! Let me go so I can kill him!"

"What did I do to deserve this?" asked Ranma to the universe.

* * *

_Two Years Later and Two Years Before_:

It was an idyllic summer afternoon at the Tendo dojo. The sparrows that nested in the roof were chirping happily and the breeze was blowing lazily over the grounds. The sun smiled down on the dojo's inhabitants; it even shone brightly on the wizened and gnomish pervert chuckling darkly to himself in the middle of the living room.

Upon hearing the old man's mirth from his bedroom, Ranma came downstairs into the living room and made sure to take Happosai down a peg. "Hey, you old freak, you'd better not be jerking off in the living room again."

Happosai spluttered to himself on hearing Ranma's voice. "I've never – you – aargh, you disrespectful little punk, how dare you accuse me of something so disgusting!"

"Yeah, well, if the shoe fits, jerkwad. What, you're saying a deviant like you never choked the chicken in public?"

"Think about it, boy. Why would ole Happi give a free show to anyone?"

Ranma shuddered at the involuntary image that appeared in his mind. He decided that punching was better than thinking and hit Happosai in the face.

"You fool!" cried Happosai as he sailed through the open sliding doors and into the yard. "You almost damaged my treasure!"

The pigtailed boy rolled his eyes at that remark. What did he care about Happosai's newest pair of stolen panties? _Wait a second, that doesn't look like underwear._ Ranma took a closer look at Happosai's hands and saw – "A doll? That's your treasure? You sick jerk, you're freakier than I thought."

The doll was actually kind of cute as dolls went. It was dressed in some kind of German leiderhosen and its hair was done up in blond pigtails that ran down its back. It also had incredibly large breasts. _That figures_, thought Ranma to himself.

"Ranma, you ridiculous little whippersnapper! Have you no appreciation for history? This little baby is one of the first anatomically correct dolls ever manufactured!" So saying, Happosai lovingly ran his hands down the doll's front. Unnoticed by both martial artists, the doll's eyes glowed faintly in response to Happosai's touch.

Ranma shuddered at the ancient pervert's actions. He wished he could have lived the rest of his life without ever seeing Happosai molest a doll with big titties. He'd better beat up Happosai before the little troll did anything freakier. If Ranma won, he'd burn the little sex doll. If he lost, he might get beaten so badly he'd get retrograde amnesia and forget the last few minutes. Either way, it was a win-win situation.

"Die, freak!" shouted Ranma as he launched himself forward.

Nothing of note happened in the ensuing battle. Punches were thrown, heads were kicked, and insults were slung. The fight might as well have been any of a dozen earlier fights between Ranma and Happosai. It was so routine and boring that no one else in the family bothered to watch. Plus it was really too hot to be getting so excited over anything.

Nothing of note happened in the fight save for one thing: At one crucial juncture, Ranma knocked the head off Happosai's doll. The head flew into the wall surrounding the Tendo's land and bounced back in the direction it had come from. At the same time, Ranma was shouting something about how he was going to pound Happosai flat. The important thing was that his mouth was wide open. It was into Ranma's big mouth that the doll's head bounced into, and from the mouth it went straight down his throat. Ranma's eyes bugged out as he involuntarily swallowed the doll's head.

Ranma immediately clutched his throat and made gagging noises as he fell to the ground. Everything started to go black, so Ranma hoped he was choking to death. Otherwise he was going to have to live with the fact that he'd swallowed one of Happosai's sex toys.

_Sweet, blessed death_, thought Ranma as darkness covered everything.

Sunlight streamed into an open window. It touched upon a rather spartan little room. The room contained nothing but a futon, some tatami mats, a backpack, and a small desk. There was also a snoring lump lying in the middle of the futon. "Huh?" asked the lump as it awoke with a jerk.

Ranma looked around the room. It wasn't the room at the Tendo's place that he shared with his father. It wasn't any of the other rooms, either. It was completely unfamiliar to him, but in a weirdly familiar way. _It could be any of the rooms that I slept in when the old man and I were on the road_, realized Ranma.

The boy got up to see what was outside the window. As he did, he realized that he was wearing a dark blue school uniform. In fact, it was the uniform from the middle school he had attended when he was younger. He also noticed that his hair was no longer in a pigtail but was instead in a ponytail like he used to wear before he'd gone to China. A dark pit of dread suddenly opened up in Ranma's stomach. He made his way to the window, absently noting that he was also shorter than he had been before he passed out. _Yep, that's my old neighbourhood_, confirmed Ranma as he looked out the window.

Ranma suddenly hiccupped, then he started gagging as he felt something coming up his throat. He hacked and coughed for a few minutes before he brought up whatever it was that had been stuck inside him. He spat the offending object into his hand and looked at it. It seemed to be a scrap of white cloth. _It looks like the shirt from Happosai's doll. Wait, how did that even get inside me? I know I only swallowed the head._ Ranma pondered the mystery for a few minutes while he gingerly wiped away the spit covering the tiny shirt. As he cleaned up the shirt, he realized there was a tiny label sewn into the inside. He brought the shirt up to his face for a closer inspection.

"The Gentleman Pervert," said Ranma as he read the label. "Novelties for men with exacting tastes." He snorted at the euphemism. Then he noticed the fine print. "Also cursed antique shop." Ranma paused as he let the last part sink in.

"Aww, crap."


	3. Don't Forget Your Wingman

_Please note that all chapters have been revised, including this one.  
_

**Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating**

By AK-47

**Step 2A: Don't Forget Your Wingman**

Ranma sat down on his futon and calmly considered his predicament. Calmly for him, anyway, since he was actually curled up into the fetal position chanting "it's all a dream" over and over. This was the scene that Genma discovered when he kicked Ranma's door open.

"Idiot boy, get going, you were supposed to leave for school five minutes ago!" Genma scowled as he saw Ranma was back in bed. "Did you actually go back to sleep?"

"P-pop," croaked Ranma weakly. "I need to talk to you, something weird –"

"Get the hell out of here!" thundered Genma as he threw Ranma out of the window. Fortunately for Ranma, his room was only on the second floor and he only hit one rock when he fell to the ground. His schoolbag fell on top of him a few seconds later. "Get to school!" shouted Genma from the window.

Ranma glared at his father in resentment. Spitefully, he took as long as possible in getting up and gathering his things. He remembered that the old man could still easily kick his butt in when he was fourteen, so he supposed there was no choice but to go to school after all. Good thing he still remembered the way. Ranma cut through the empty lot behind his house and made his way to his old middle school.

"Ranma, you jerk! What took you so long? I've been waiting forever." A boy in a middle school uniform trotted up to Ranma. _Huh, who the crap is this?_

"What are you staring at?" asked the newcomer. Ranma tried to place his companion before he recognized the expression of annoyance on the boy's face. _I didn't realize it but Ryoga's really bulked up since we were fourteen. I forgot that we used to live so close to each other, too._

"Sorry," said Ranma as he shook his head and drove out his extraneous thoughts. "Come on, follow me." He ran down the familiar path as Ryoga kept pace beside him. They'd probably still make it to school in time, but they'd be cutting it close. _Well, I get to spend all day studying stuff I already know. Oh yeah, and I'm a little kid again. This seriously sucks._

_

* * *

_Ranma watched Ryoga sulk as he gathered his school bag. Just as he'd thought, the entire day had been a complete waste of time; Ranma had ignored his teachers in favour of fantasizing about punching Happosai in the nuts. The daily fight with Ryoga over the lunch bread had been rather nostalgic, though. Ryoga was still ticked off about losing again. One would think Ryoga would have gotten used to the fact that Ranma always beat him, but then again, Ryoga really knew how to nurse a grudge. _Well, whatever, I need to get to the Tendo Dojo and find Happosai's doll_. Hopefully the doll had been stored there, and if it wasn't then maybe Ranma could find a clue to its location. "Ryoga, you'll have to go home without me today," said Ranma. "Sorry, but I have to take the train to Furinkan."

"What? You jerk, how am I supposed to get home on my own?"

"Just do whatever you did before I moved here. Come on, you got along by yourself without me." Ranma scowled when he saw Ryoga looking uncertain about going home alone. He looked like he was already imagining himself lost in one of Tokyo's sleazier districts. "For the love of crap, Ryoga, can't you do something as simple as walk home by yourself? Look, I really can't hang around after school, I need to go to the Tendo Dojo in Furinkan and I need to go pronto if I don't want to come home late."

"What's so great about this dojo? There's nothing in Furinkan, it's just another neighbourhood."

"Oh! It, umm, err . . ." Ranma desperately cast around for an excuse. "Oh yeah! My old man said the Tendos are the only other family that practices Anything Goes Martial Arts, so I wanted to see what their school is like."

"Wouldn't it be better to ask your dad and arrange a meeting through him? It's not like you know them, they're not going to reveal their secret techniques to some kid who just shows up on their doorstep."

"I just wanna check out their dojo, maybe I'll tell them I'm interested in becoming a student or something."

"I don't know, Ranma, this whole thing is kind of weird. Why are you suddenly so interested in this family?"

"Damn it, Ryoga, I'm not asking for permission, I'm telling you what I'm going to do. Go home already!" Ranma decided he'd explained enough and jumped out the window.

"Ranma, you buttfaced dork!"

Sucker. Off to the Tendo Dojo he went.

_

* * *

I was right, Furinkan is a complete shithole_, thought Ryoga. There was nothing but houses and shops and ugly people. In other words, it could be any other residential neighbourhood in Tokyo. How could Ranma think that there was a kick-ass dojo in such a lame-ass part of town?

Ryoga spied Ranma turning a corner and hurried before he lost his classmate in the crowd. So far he'd been doing a pretty good job of tailing the other boy. Too good, really, since by all reasonable expectations he should have lost Ranma by now. Hoping his luck would hold, Ryoga carefully kept his classmate in sight as the other boy sauntered down the street.

_Ah ha, I've deduced that the building down that street is the Tendo Dojo_, thought Ryoga triumphantly to himself. There was actually a sign beside the entrance loudly proclaiming the place as the Tendo Dojo but Ryoga took his victories where he could get them. Correction, it was the Tendo Dojo of Anything Goes Martial Arts. _I guess Ranma wasn't completely full of shit, then._

Ryoga waited until Ranma walked through the gate before quickly climbing up on a convenient garbage bin and peeking over the wall surrounding the Tendos' place. _Fuck me with a spoon, the place is massive! Do the Tendos own Furinkan or something?_ Ryoga mentally revised his estimation of Ranma's intelligence, or at least his luck. Coming here and sucking up to the Tendos was definitely a smart move.

_Goddamn, look at the place, it takes up the whole block: let's see, a two-storey house, garden, koi pond, dojo, some kind of storage shed – that no-good Ranma wasn't going to let me see this place, was he?_ The Tendos probably had an awesome dojo with all the best equipment that didn't smell like someone's sweaty ass. Ryoga started thinking of ways to "invite" himself along on Ranma's next visit. Or why wait? Maybe he could stumble upon Ranma by "accident." Speaking of whom, what was Ranma up to?

It looked rather like Ranma was sneaking about and trying not to be caught. Well, maybe he was scouting out the lay of the land. It was probably the smart thing to do. Ryoga watched Ranma carefully tiptoe to the left of the main entrance and peek around the corner.

"Hi, can I help you?" A girl with long hair suddenly popped out from around the corner.

At her arrival, Ranma stiffened in surprise. Served the jerk right to be caught red-handed doing whatever it was he was doing. "Uh, I, uh . . . ," started Ranma. "Dojo! I dojo! Here I am!"

"You're . . . here about the dojo?"

Ranma nodded frantically in agreement.

"That's great! We don't really have students coming around anymore. You'll have to prove to my dad that you fit in around here, though. I'm Akane Tendo, by the way!" The girl smiled cutely at him. Ryoga took a moment to notice that she was wearing a gi and – was that a red belt? Impressive. Hopefully she'd earned it fair and square. Then again, only an idiot would wear a red belt who hadn't gotten it nice and proper. There'd be too many other idiots wanting to take down the faker.

"I'm, err – Sato! Shigeki Sato! Yup, that's me!" Ooh, like the pro wrestler. That was an awesome alias. But why wasn't Ranma using his real name? "Everyone calls me Shige."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Shige," said the girl, blushing lightly at calling him by his nickname.

"Ha ha ha," laughed Ranma nervously. "Nice to meet you too!"

Ryoga narrowed his eyes at seeing the two awkwardly talk to each other. Did that bastard Ranma ditch him just for a piece of ass? That just wasn't done! How dare he!

"Die, you cockeating fuck!" With that cry, Ryoga climbed up on the wall and threw the lid of the garbage bin at Ranma.

"Ryo—oww!" Right in the face. That was definitely one of Ryoga's better entrances. "Come back here, you ass-faced dickbag!"

Time to run. That stupid Ranma didn't even realize that he was being led away from the Tendo Dojo. No skirt-chasing little pansy could pull one over on Ryoga Hibiki. Over hill, over dale, over walls and fences and bridges did they go until finally they came to a forest clearing. It looked like the perfect spot for a nice punch-up. Ryoga turned around to confront Ranma when he realized that he was completely alone. He also realized that he wasn't sure how far he was from Furinkan or even if he was still in the same district.

_Shit, where the fuck am I now?_

* * *

Ranma gasped for air as he lay panting on the ground. That suckhole Ryoga had lost him five minutes back and now he wasn't sure if he'd get home in time for dinner. How had they managed to run so far, anyway? He wasn't sure which park he'd collapsed in but he was pretty sure it wasn't one within normal walking distance of the Tendo Dojo.

Wearily, Ranma pulled himself up and set out in search of the closest train station. Hopefully he had enough money for a ride home. Ryoga the dumbass had cost him an opportunity to look for the doll; he'd have to wait until school finished tomorrow to start his search again. Plus he'd have to look for the cursed antique shop, too. The whole fiasco had set him back an entire day.

Wait a minute, the antique shop! It was probably in the phone book! He could just call the antique shop and ask them about the doll. Ranma tried not to feel like an idiot while his legs twitched and burned from his all-out sprint earlier. They'd only hurt more tomorrow, too. _Dammit, this whole day was a complete waste of time._

Ranma looked ahead of him and saw that the train station was on top a really steep hill. _Goddammit._ He was too tired to curse properly. For a moment, Ranma let the injustice of his situation weigh down on him. Then, wearily, he set out to climb the hill.

_Oww. Oww. Oww. Ryoga, I swear the next time I see you I'll make you eat your own asshole._


	4. That's What Wingmen Are For

**Ranma Saotome's Guide to Dating**

By AK-47

**Step 2B: That's What Wingmen Are For**

Ranma woke up to a blinding pain in his head. What the hell had happened? Oh yeah, his father had engaged him to his ex-girlfriend. Then she had bludgeoned him to unconsciousness with the dinner table. Then she'd taken off her clothes and had sex with him in the living room. No, wait, that was just a dream he'd had when he was knocked out. _Dagnabbit._

Maybe he could talk to Akane and explain that the whole engagement thing hadn't been his idea. Then after that maybe he could explain that he hadn't meant to dump her and run away two years ago. Then maybe she'd forgive him and not carry through on her promise to make him swallow his own testicles if she ever saw him again. The letter she'd sent him had been fairly graphic. She was a pretty forgiving girl, right?

Like that would ever happen. The _omiai_ had pretty much been the textbook definition of a worst-case scenario. Where was he, anyway? The room looked kind of spare and unprepossessing, so he guessed that he was in the Tendo family's guest bedroom. And wouldn't you know, it was already morning. Judging by the angle of the sun, he'd been passed out for almost twelve hours. Well, might as well see if there was anything for breakfast. Or maybe he and the old man were getting kicked out this morning?

Full of hope that Mr. Tendo had come to his senses overnight, Ranma slowly made his way downstairs and into the combination living room and dining room. The screens were opened to give a superb view of the morning sun reflecting off the koi pond. Too bad the light also showed his dad and Mr. Tendo talking cheerfully as they waited by the table for breakfast to be served.

"Ah Ranma, excellent timing," said Genma. "I was about to wake you up for our morning exercise. Come into the yard and let's start stretching."

Ranma did as his father said and began swinging his arms in circles to warm them up. "Pop, I want to talk to you and Mr. Tendo about this whole engagement thing –"

"Yes, Ranma, what's this about you and my daughter having a previous relationship?" asked Mr. Tendo. "Akane refuses to discuss the matter, so I thought you could clear things up."

Ranma hemmed and hawed as he realized why talking might be a bad idea. He was about to start on a muddled and ill-informed digression on the Japanese economy when Akane came downstairs.

"Good morning," she said cheerfully as she adjusted her sweatband. Akane paused as she saw Ranma staring at her. She seemed surprised to see him there, as if she'd completely forgotten what had happened the day before. Then everything apparently came back and she glared at him as she testily began her own stretches. Ranma pretended not to look down her cleavage as she bent over to stretch the quad muscles in her thighs. He deduced from the tank top and very brief shorts she was wearing that Akane was going for a run. A brief image of Akane from two years ago flashed through Ranma's mind. So cute, so eager, so adventurous . . .

Unbeknownst to Ranma, his father had noticed his slack-jawed gaping. It was rather obvious considering the fact that Ranma had been holding the same arm stretch for the last two minutes when thirty seconds was all that was necessary. On the one hand, it was good that Ranma was attracted to his fiancée. On the other hand, did he have to stare like he was trying to invent x-ray vision on the spot?

It was embarrassing was what it was. Maybe he shouldn't have enrolled Ranma exclusively in all-boys' schools and thereby isolated him from girls. It had seemed pointless to let Ranma date when there was a fiancée with a house and a dojo waiting for him. _Keep your pecker in your pants until you're sixteen_ had been the extent of Genma's pronouncements on girls. Genma had been worried that Ranma would fight the engagement, but now he was worried that Ranma would creep out Akane and her father with his weird behaviour. Had Soun noticed? No, he had forgotten about everyone else and was now taking in the morning as he looked over his koi pond.

Wait a minute, Ranma and Akane had both said they'd dated in the past, so somehow Ranma had landed Akane as a girlfriend despite the stalker vibe he let out. But when had that happened, anyway? Genma mulled the question over as he kicked Ranma in the stomach.

"Pop, what the hell?" groaned Ranma as he laid on the ground clutching his belly.

"You've been staring at Akane for the last five minutes, either make a move or let's start sparring," said Genma as he stood over Ranma, arms akimbo.

Akane quickly straightened and glared at Ranma. "Pervert," she muttered as she went to the door to put her shoes on. She hadn't stretched enough but she didn't want to be around him any more than necessary. Because she didn't look back, she didn't notice Ranma continue to stare at her as she walked out. However, she definitely heard Genma kick Ranma again. "Get up already, boy!" shouted Genma.

Akane snorted as she heard the sounds of Ranma's beating. He definitely had that coming.

* * *

Ranma winced as he walked beside Akane. Genma had only stopped kicking him when his father had realized Ranma would be late for his first day at school. What was so great about school, anyway? Ranma didn't see the point. He wished his father would just lay off and quit pushing him about getting an education. Oh well, here he was going off to yet another school.

He looked apprehensively at Akane. She looked put out about having to walk to school with him. Inexplicably she perked up as she saw the gates of what was presumably Furinkan High School. What was up with the crowd of boys gathered around the entrance? They were milling around as if they were waiting for someone. One of the boys shouted as he caught sight of Akane and the rest of the crowd started buzzing in anticipation. Anticipation of what, exactly?

Ranma's metaphorical hackles started to raise as he beheld the scene unfolding before him. He got the willies even harder when Akane gave him a nasty smile as she walked through the school gate. "Boys," she said, "Before we get started I should introduce this guy standing with me. Everyone, meet my ex-boyfriend, Ranma Saotome."

The assembled boys stared in shock at Ranma. One of them finally recovered enough to start talking. "It's him! He's the guy who made Akane hate all men!" The boys of Furinkan paused in apprehension before their eyes suddenly burned with supreme passion. "Get him!"

The entire male population of Japan charged screaming at Ranma Saotome. He screamed back, "What the crapper?"

Well, it certainly looked like the entire male population of Japan. Objectively speaking, it couldn't have been more than thirty or so guys that attacked him. Subjectively speaking, it felt like everything with a penis in a 200 kilometer radius was coming right for him.

Normally, fighting off a mob of thirty guys wouldn't be too much trouble for Ranma. However, he had been caught flatfooted by the sudden bumrush and had no time to properly get into a martial mindset. Instead, Ranma activated the 'flight' portion of his fight-or-flight instinct and immediately ran out of the gate and around the corner.

The mob chased after Ranma. For a moment it seemed as if they were gaining on him, but then the pigtailed boy leapt on top of a roof and started hopping back to Furinkan. The boys were left to stare at him as they heard the distinctive sound of the morning bell going off and the gates to Furinkan clanking shut, locking them out and turning them into inadvertent truants.

Ranma got back to the schoolyard in time to see Akane punch some kendo guy in the stomach. He didn't stick around to watch the guy collapse to the ground but instead ran straight into the school. He heard Akane following him inside just before the skies suddenly opened up in a quick morning shower. _Just in the nick of time_, thought Ranma. _Things are starting to look up._

* * *

"Lousy ass-faced teacher," muttered Ranma as he stood in the hall outside his classroom. "Wasn't my fault I was late." He looked sidelong at Akane, his partner in punishment. "Care to explain why I'm here in the hallway holding buckets of water?" he asked her.

Akane sighed in resignation. "Do you remember that kendo guy with the wooden sword from before?" she asked sullenly. "His name is Tatewaki Kuno and he's the one behind the whole thing. See, he asked me out a couple of months ago but I turned him down. He wouldn't take no for an answer and he just kept bugging me over and over. Finally it got too much so I lured him into the equipment shed, tied him up, and made him eat his own gym shoes."

"Uhh . . ."

"After that he left me alone. Then he asked Nabiki out. She wasn't interested and told him she didn't go out with weaklings. I can't blame her; can you imagine dating a guy who was forced to eat his own gym shoes? So then he gets the idea that he has to prove himself by beating me. Every morning he'd try to beat me. Then some of the other girls heard about what Nabiki did and thought it was funny. They gave the same excuse to any guys who asked them for a date. I know, it sounds kind of mean but I don't think any of them thought any guy would be stupid enough to prove his masculinity by beating up a schoolgirl."

"So those guys from this morning . . ."

"Are all the guys in Furinkan who can't get a date."

"Shouldn't there be more of them? I mean, it's a decently-sized school, after all. Don't tell me everyone else has a girlfriend?"

"Okay, I exaggerated, the mob isn't made up of all the losers who can't land a date. It's just that not all of the dateless guys want to get broken in half. There used to be more of them, you know."

Ranma was still trying to process the gym shoe thing and so he kept staring at the violent maniac he'd unknowingly been engaged to.

"What? They got annoying after a while. I'm not the dating police, why did they have to fixate on me?"

* * *

"Fiancé! He's . . . her fiancé?"

"Yup, our dads got together and decided to engage Akane to Ranma," said Nabiki to her seatmate, Tatewaki Kuno (the selfsame kendo practitioner who Akane had earlier beaten up).

Kuno was too stunned on hearing Nabiki's news to do anything but stare blankly at nothing in particular. After long minutes he finally managed to process all the implications of what Nabiki had told him and his mouth immediately announced the thought that was bouncing around in his head: "Yes!"

"Mister Kuno!" shouted the teacher, interrupting Kuno's impromptu dance on top of Nabiki's desk. "Is there something you would like to share with the class?"

"Sir, there is something I would like to share with the entire school!" Kuno stopped dancing and turned to enlighten his still-ignorant classmates. "Men of Furinkan High, your champion has come to free you from your dateless-ness! Before the day is done, Akane Tendo's obstruction shall be removed! So swears Tatewaki Kuno, living avatar of masculinity!"

The class stared at Kuno. "Great works are in motion, my classmates. I must away, that the cause of justice be served!" With those words, Kuno jumped off the table and ran out of the door.

* * *

"Ranma Saotome, I demand that you date Akane Tendo!"

"Wha-?" The hell was going on? Did random freaks pop out of the woodwork and attack people at this school? The guy looked vaguely familiar. Right, he was that Kuno jerk that Akane had beaten up before the bell rang. The wooden sword was a dead giveaway. "Hey pal, where do you get off telling me who to date?"

"Silence! It is only meet that you should date Akane Tendo, for are you not-" the boy paused to draw in a breath,"HER FIANCE?"

The class exploded with noise. The windows and doors were shoved open and everyone started shouting at the newly announced couple. "What? Dude, are you insane?" "Idiot, she can't put a lockdown on dating if she's seeing someone." "Oh yeah. Go Chinese guy, get inside Akane's pants!" "We're rooting for you!"

"Dammit, I'm getting out of here!" Ranma raced around the corner and down the stairs.

"Come back and date Akane Tendo, you—aah!" Kuno discovered that Ranma had not actually gone down the stairs but had instead hung out of sight waiting to trip him. The rest of the class discovered what had happened when they caught up to the two and saw Kuno sprawled on the steps.

"Sucker!" shouted Ranma. He hopped on Kuno's belly then continued to make his way downstairs. "Follow me if you wanna fight!"

"Haaaa," gasped Kuno. "Give me a second."

Ranma impatiently tapped his foot as he watched Kuno slowly stand up with the aid of his wooden sword. The older boy clutched the handrail as he carefully went down the stairs.

"Look, I'm going on ahead," said Ranma. "Come find me when you get to the ground floor."

"Don't look so smug, you cur, I'm already injured from before!" said Kuno.

Ranma rolled his eyes at the excuse. "You're the one who tried picking a fight."

Kuno ignored him in favour of continuing his slow progress.

"Come on, this is pathetic!" shouted Ranma. "Forget it, I'm going home."

"That's not a bad idea," said Akane. "Okay, I'm going home too."

"Hey, yeah," agreed one of her classmates. "What exactly are we staying around for? Who else wants to cut class?" The rest of the class quickly agreed and swarmed down the steps, trampling Kuno in their haste to leave.

"Oww," whimpered Kuno. "My tummy hurts." Then the pain signals from the rest of his body finally reached his brain. "Now my everything hurts. Ranma Saotome, you'll pay for this!" Another twinge of pain went through him. "As soon as I get out of the hospital."


End file.
